@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

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@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@ThisLocalHater

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*

@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT