I had sex and all I got were these kids.

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COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*


The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.


For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours


*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh


I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti


I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.


One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.