@SufficientCharm: I had sex and all I got were these kids.
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@daemonic3: "Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"
@_BlaineB: *opens instagram* Yup, everyone’s life is still better than mine *closes instagram* *opens twitter* Ah yes, my fellow trash brethren
@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water
@Mikecanrant: I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.