I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”