Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
estão todos miauvindo?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
british sex workers really pound for pound
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Why is everyone getting married at me