On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
You Might Also Like
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
prepare for carbonated trouble
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*has no idea what a book even is*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol