I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Cha-ching is my safe word
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
🤣🤣🤣
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.