I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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Not recommended for beginners.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.