I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

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If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.


Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.


hard to believe marijuana was born 420 years ago today


Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP


*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”


I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”


*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station


Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.


My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.