@McFluffy537

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

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@OhMyBlondie

If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

@fro_vo

hard to believe marijuana was born 420 years ago today

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@abbycohenwl

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

@SarahAMoulton

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@eliserose5

I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.