I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

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*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*


A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.


My kids don’t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays


(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.


My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.


[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.


[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?