“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”