In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh