I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.