I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.