I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

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Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.


[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.


20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.


On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.