@iNusku

I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

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@Cynner777

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

@NewDadNotes

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

@76coop

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.

@MavenofHonor

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@VodkaShorebird

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.