My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..