As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.
HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist