I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Birds & Planes.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
#inspiration #foodforthought
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster