@CruisinSoozan
@michaelianblack
As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
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@michaelianblack
@fleshcake
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
@saramorseyy
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
@ozzyunc
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
@knew_nic
“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.
@briangaar
HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom
@ThugRaccoons
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
@ToxicProbably
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
@stockejock
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: Iโm gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist