@CruisinSoozan

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

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@michaelianblack

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.

@fleshcake

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

@saramorseyy

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

@ozzyunc

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@knew_nic

“Are you asleep?” He risks his life by asking me.

@briangaar

HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT’S “CRIMINALLY” HIGH LOL!!!! … yes you can talk to my mom

@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

@stockejock

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: Iโ€™m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist