I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.