I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held