I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

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Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.


The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.


Everytime you see 2 characters in Gundam that are enemies talk to eachother while piloting their mobile suit and yelling about their ideals, “i wont let you get away” etc, remember one had to start a call and the other had to accept it just so they could beef over the intercom


Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.


If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.


I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.


ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.


How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex


Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.