I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Why is this me 😫
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.