A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay