I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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.
.
Squash
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Monday
Dolls on drugs
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.