I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.