I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Software Development ⛵️
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.