I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You Might Also Like
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*