I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*