I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
giddy up Office Depot
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.