Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Hmm, not sure about this change
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.