I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long

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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.


My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses


Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]


If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.


[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please


David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.


If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.