@Canadian_Cutie_

I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long

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@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

@c12h22o11balls

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@One_FineMess

If two people love each other nothing is impossible…

Except deciding where to eat.

@TheBoydP

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

@EndhooS

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

@funflaps

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch