Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.
Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.