I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

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Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.


gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”


[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos


Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls


She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..


Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.


I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.


[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?


Who’s idea was it to package scissors in a package what requires scissors to open.