Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight
[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God