I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.


Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.


Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.


Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.


I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.


*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?