I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?


[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*


Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.


Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.


[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)



Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts


Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult


FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
ME: The ghost of my mother.


[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God