I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
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Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Two types of dogs.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Doctors texting each other.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week