@Sanbel11

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

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@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@FilthyRichmond

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@BizarreLazar

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

@simoncholland

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

@jngraphs

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

@iwearaonesie

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?