I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet