@michelleDbelle

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

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@TheAlexNevil

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

@markydoodoo

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

@shatterpants

Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

@Divergentmama

If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.

@man_spach

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

@Vodkantots

Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*