I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

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*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”


There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”


Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.


If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.


[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?


When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room


Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.


You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.


Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*