I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I am patiently waiting for your email
the three genders
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
🛁
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.