*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.
They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd
JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok