@Darlainky

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

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@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@JohnLyonTweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

@jergarl

I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that’s just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.

@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

@Connan22

Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.

@SeanEmeny

They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@Book_Krazy

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

@ArfMeasures

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok