I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
You Might Also Like
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.