@dumbbeezie

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

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@FredTaming

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

@DanMentos

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@UnFitz

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@jessokfine

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

@RandiLawson

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons