I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Yep.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”