[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons