I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.