I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Butt weight. There’s more!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!