I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]