I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
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Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.