I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat