I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.


A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.

I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.


Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man


DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink


The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”


Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.


3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard


Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER