“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
mathematically impossible
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips