I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.