I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead