Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Sending in my taxes

Getting married soon just need a spouse

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.