Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”
See how stupid that sounds?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times