I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!


Good cop: where were you last Wednesday?
Cotton Eye Joe cop: where did you come from, where did you go


Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.


First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…


I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”



A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up


If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times