I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?