I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
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I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”