I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any