‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again