I hate everything
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
omg leave her alone
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics