“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*

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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers


You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.


Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber


Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display


I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.


My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.


Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong


If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!

*looks out window & smiles*


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.