@someofmybest

“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*

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@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@FunkyFresh_79

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

@drinksmcgee

Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
M: ….

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

@lazerdoov

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

@Cpin42

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great