I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents