Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“I hate fake girls.” *a nearby girl’s coat busts open and four dogs tumble out*
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Woman with thick Russian accent: You are very sexy.
Me (Blushing): Aw shucks.
W: No… I use wrong word… sweaty… is correct?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
A barbed-wire tattoo on my arm keeps my arm horses from running away
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great