*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?