“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.