Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right