Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl
me: oooh what’s her name?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon