@iwearaonesie

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

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@OctopusCaveman

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

@andrewgutin

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

@JPHaddadio

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

@Where__wolf

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

@HavocMantis

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????

@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right