“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

You Might Also Like


Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.


Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.


Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.


“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“Ok, suit yourself”


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.


Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????


A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.


[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right