I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?